Finally he called after more than a year, we’ve been separated for almost 2 years. I mailed his mom pics of our kids and mailed him a separate card of them to show him how much they have grown in 2 years and what he has been missing.
Anyhow, he has been calling frequently and we talk about all sorts of things except for what happened in the past. Well, about that rock bottom thing, he doesn’t have a vehicle at all. The SUV he had when we were together I heard from a reliable source was repossessed and he told me he doesn’t have it b/c the motor blew out. Then he told me he bought an old car from his dad but later found out that motor was no good…so basically he has been borrowing a car from his brother, which he had to return and a car from his dad…which he returned 2 days ago. Now, here’s the thing that gets me….after all of the things he has put me through…he’s asked me to help him!!!!
And yes I thought about when was the last time he has talked to that other woman or seen her and I know it had to be at least 2-3 weeks ago. Part of me does want to believe he is sincere, but another part is telling me to guard my heart.
Another thing is that knowing that information has turned me off. Like, he’s basically in the same circumstance he was when I met him and when we were together. It’s like I want to feel like I’m taken care of…like I want a REAL MAN who I know can handle business and take care of this family…not me acting like the man. It kind of hurts right now b/c he’s turning me off. I feel like I’ve outgrown him.
So what should I think?? I mean I still do love him but I’m not going through the same things again. And there is a bond b/c he is my first husband and the father of our children.
Please don’t just say “file for a divorce” or “get rid of him” elaborate on it…thanks.
well, heeding the advice of others and remembering how things used to be with my husband, it seems like he is in the same situation he was when I met him and was with him. I mean he’s asking me for help with this car and it’s turning me off. It’s like yes, I do feel for him b/c he has no transportation, but then again I feel like it is not my problem. I feel like I am enabling this behavior…like I’m “saving” him…when he should be a man and grown up that he is and provide for himself…because if he can’t provide for himself, then how can he provide for us?
I feel like I am going to once again be the breadwinner of the family and he’s just trying to control things again. I DO want to give him a chance and thank God that my prayers of him calling were answered, but from what I hear him say…I see that he is not ready spiritually and I feel like right now I would be taking chances…
By helping him I feel like I would just make it easy on him…I mean sometimes I feel like asking him “haven’t you learned anything?” And then he’s acting like everything is “all good” that he can just waltz back into our lives and expect everything to be OK and not discuss how and what we must do to improve the “marriage”. At one point he expressed some frustration that I seemed to be hesitant to get him a car…but I told him not to place the blame on me because he knew he had to return the car he was borrowing from his dad way before he called me and that he should’ve had a back up plan and not rely on me.
I want him to be a MAN, you know?
and then I told him I was planning to move to Dallas…and he was like yeah I’m going to move too…like with us! And he wants his oldest son, who is 19 to live with us. His son hasn’t even graduated high school and right now looks like he is not active in trying to get his GED. Yes, I can imagine if it were our son, I wouldn’t want to leave him on the street…but he has to have a goal and want to help himself not bum around the house and stay out all the time.
My husband wants to be together but I don’t know of he is sincere…I mean c’mon how do I know if he’s not “effn” some other woman???
I just feel like I’m torn…I have prayed for his willingness to be a family…and well maybe it’s too early to tell, but I don’t get that feeling from him right now.
I also want to add that me and my kids are doing really great and I’m back in school to get another degree, this time in nursing. I hope to get into an accelerated program that will let me complete my BSN in 1 year.
Now my intention is to not make it seem like he is a bum…b/c he has always had a job since I’ve known him…
But does he really want his family or will he walk out on us again? Should I ask him about it?
And why does he want to come around after he found out we’re doing really well?
Salacious Crumb: Nothing wrong with wanting more opinions.
Salacious Crumb: Nothing wrong with wanting more opinions.
i didnt read this book you have but after 2 yrs havent you been happier and at peace without him.i wouldnt take him back.his mistake.his lost.yeah i know the kids but yourself.Go back to him then.cause if you asking this question over and over then you must be wanting a lil attention.So you enjoy being treated bad.then keep the loser and hurt more.then when you get a disease from him,we’re going to just laugh at you the next time you ask a question about how to get rid of std?
I don’t mean to sound harsh but it sounds like he’s looking for a meal ticket and a roof over his head. Since he’s still communicating with other women (2-3 weeks ago isn’t very long ago), you shouldn’t even entertain the idea of allowing him back into your life.
Make him prove himself before you make any changes. If you let him move in you’ll just be enabling this disgusting behavior. Good luck.
the novel you wrote answers your own question on your very last sentence. He will hurt you again & you know it that’s why you are on here now+
Do you really need so much advive that it justifies posting this everyday for a week? He’s a loser, etc, etc. Refer to my answer from last week.
this man has not changed. he seems very immature. if you want him to ‘be a man’ don’t give him freebies. he walked out on you once, whose to say it won’t happen again.
I would move on. Sounds like the guy may be using you. I would not allow that to happen.
You know who is NOT being SINCERE?
YOU.
You keep asking this same goddamned question.
Over and over.
Exactly what is your problem, anyway?
You don’t give too much in the way of specifics as for the circumstances resulting in the separation: However, as it all apparently had to do with hubby’s infidelity, I guess the questions you really have to be asking yourself are these: First: “Do I forgive him for the infidelity; and get we as a couple move beyond it?”; and: second: “Am I better off in the long-run with him or without him?”
While it is understandable that you may feel nostalgic and that some feelings of love on your part are still there, the fact is that sometimes in life love just ain’t enough.
Wish you the best as to the ultimate outcome.
It sounds like he is an opportunist and wants to take advantage of your doing well, like you are the best deal he can get. Has anything really changed? Do you really trust him to be different? If he showed up in your life today and you didn’t know him from the past, would you open your home and yourself to him?
If you let him go, your decision not his, you can be available to someone better who may be waiting for you.
It’s too bad, but sometimes love is just not enough. You obviously care very much for him but he is a loser. If you are looking for a real man to take care of you, you should move on with you life and stop wasting time considering this guy. If he has plenty of money and a car and all the things he “needs” he would not even consider calling you. But he hits hard times and you hear from him. He wants you back. Of course he does. He needs a mother not a wife.
At the very least do not make coming back so easy. If he wants to take you out on some dates..then go. At least you get a nice evening and a meal or something. Do not let him just move back in. You need to KNOW where you stand with this guy and so do the children! Coming back and moving out again doesn’t just affect YOU. Consider the kids. Go slow slow slow! Let him EARN your trust. Listen to your gut! If you have doubts then don’t let him in. You have a promising future…keep moving the direction you are going. Don’t let him derail you.
I think you know what to do but are looking for confirmation. It sounds like he’s down on his luck and likely missing the kids and maybe you. Unless you’re willing to support him again and get him back on his feet, keep him at a distance. If he went this far downhill before contacting you, then you can safely assume that getting back with you was not his first choice.
Be very careful. I’d say, let him pick himself up and become financially stable before even considering getting back together. If he still wants you then, you can be a little more convinced that it’s you he wants and not just some money to get out of a bind.
Put it to him bluntly. You are not Obama and there’s no bailout coming. Tell him to do what he needs to do to get back on his feet, and then take it from there.
i would be skeptical too.. you need to ask him about it, just be like, look its not that i don’t want to help you, but i need to know, are you just going to use me, or do you really want your family back? and how can i trust you, because seriously, for the past 2 years, you haven’t really done s*** and now out of no where you, when your broke, when life isn’t treating you good, now you want back… y now?? because i’ll be d***ed if your going to give hope to actually stepping up as a father figure, and just ripping it away all over again… or something along the lines of that, because seriously, i would be skeptical on his real intentions here
I really don’t know why you would even consider giving him another chance. It’s like he’s saying “I realized the grass isn’t greener, take me back”. Honestly, move on with your life. I’m sure there is a man out there who will treat you better then your ex.
Here’s what makes it hard: Love is fine and all, but family is about stability, both emotional and financial. You can’t afford to have someone in your life who isn’t going to provide these things.
Your husband may have all the best intentions. He may miss his kids and miss you and want to do better. He may really need some help. Blah blah blah. The fact is that if you take him back he will be a drain on your family. He needs a car. He needs a place for his son to stay, etc. All that costs money. And he can’t seem to get himself together.
Don’t let him drag down your family. Keep him at arm’s length. Do what you have to do to secure your future and theirs, and don’t let him get in your way. Think about your old age. Stay strong.
I personally could not do it, he obviously thought he had it made with this other woman and now it has fallen apart he wants to come back home. I am sure he is making all kinds of promises to be a good husband and father now, but what if she should decide to ask him to come back to her he left you once for lust, what’s to stop him from doing it again, as you said it has only been a couple of weeks since they spoke. She was probably the one who broke it off not him. I think you can forgive him, but don’t let him come back. He is doing bad and that is why he really wants to come back. He ruined the trust between the 2 of you, how will you ever trust him again? For me it would be to painful and little things would bring the pain all back I could not do it.
The dude is looking for a mommy to care for him.
Him walking out on you and the kids should be clue enough to his character, so why invite that kind of drama back into your lives again?
You’ve done well for yourself up to this point, so why go back to all the pain and heartache he left you with?
Get your divorce and burn that bridge.