I don’t know what to do here. If you go back and read some of my other questions you’ll get a better idea of what is going on, but here is the bottom line.
I have a step son who lives with me, and he’s 8. We don’t really consider ourselves “step” family as I spend more time with him than anyone else. My husband and I have ALWAYS made our decisions about him jointly, him never playing the “he’s not your kid” card. We always discuss, and if we happen to disagree (not frequently) we compromise.
His mother has always been a hardship in our marriage. She’s been horribly mean and rude to both my husband and myself, been overbearing, controlling, and in all our business. We FINALLY worked it out to a point where she has backed off quite a bit, thank God. The problem is, she’s also been a very negative influence on my stepson.
She’s done an array of things that are so bad, if it were my mother I wouldn’t allow him to see her anymore, period. My stepson recently decided (much to my delight) that he doesn’t want to go to his grandmother’s house without his father or I anymore because she’s upsetting him so much and making him so uncomfortable with what she says/does around him. I’m glad because she has always been detrimental and she corrupts his thinking to make him very negative/paranoid with what she does. (If details are necessary please let me know and I can add details, just didn’t want it to be too long.)
Now here’s the issue. I feel that even if he wants to start going there alone again maybe we can work up to that slowly (i.e. you can take him out for ice cream and shopping or to a movie, etc but not have him go over all day and spend the night.) I feel he shouldn’t be doing overnights with them at all based on how much she has done to him in the past. My husband, on the other hand, thinks that if he decides he wants to sleep there again, he should be allowed to despite all the things his mother has done. (By the way, she has been spoken to MULTIPLE times about no longer saying/doing these things but she either refuses to or is unable to stop.)
I’m worried about my stepson. Part of me thinks I should throw in the towel and say “he’s your kid, screw him up if you want” but we’ve never done things that way, and frankly I care too much about him to just be fine with him being hurt and these things happening.
My husband’s view is “Hon, people screw up. My mom made a mistake.” (To which my response was “How many mistakes does she need to make before you’ll open your eyes?!”) He said “He doesn’t need to be sheltered from her. So what she says and does some things, he’ll be fine. If it continues, at some point we will stop having him go there alone but for now I think we should let it slide.”
I’ve been letting it slide for years! What should I do? How can I help him? I just don’t know how to make myself be okay with this when I see the pain, confusion, and hurt in my son. Thanks.
Okay, I’ll give examples. (And by the way when I say his mother, I mean my mother in law, not my step son’s mother.)
-When China had the lead paint on toys issue, she told him his toys could kill him and were unsafe. He was paranoid for awhile.
-When her and I had a disagreement (not even a big one) told him that she would be unable to attend his birthday party because I was very mean to her and she didn’t feel like she was welcome around (and then actually didn’t attend his party!!)
-When he was 6, for NO reason, unprovoked went into a huge lecture with him on 9/11 and terrorists and told him they could bomb his school, he was paranoid for a long time about our home and his school being bombed and killing everyone.
-He’s a vegetarian which she doesn’t agree with. She tried to sneak meat into his sandwich and then was like “Oh, oops!” when he caught it. (by the way she admitted she was trying to sneak it, it wasn’t an accident.)
-Told him in a rainstorm once that
they were stuck in a tornado (even though tornados DO NOT happen in our state) and that they might die and it was unsafe to go outside.
-Tells him on a regular basis that his father and I are mean to her and yell at her a lot, especially if she tries to buy him toys/clothes (which is untrue.)
Anyway the list goes on and on, these are just a few. She makes him all paranoid and negative, and it hurts him. He is even uncomfortable, and he’s 8!
they were stuck in a tornado (even though tornados DO NOT happen in our state) and that they might die and it was unsafe to go outside.
-Tells him on a regular basis that his father and I are mean to her and yell at her a lot, especially if she tries to buy him toys/clothes (which is untrue.)
Anyway the list goes on and on, these are just a few. She makes him all paranoid and negative, and it hurts him. He is even uncomfortable, and he’s 8!
And JustMe — yes she raised my husband, but he was in therapy for a long time because of the stuff she said/did to him. He talks about it sometimes, but he’s really uncomfortable with it.
He even told me “I don’t want Bren to have to deal with what she put me through, but the difference is I lived with her, he’s only going to sleep over once every couple of weeks so it won’t affect him the same.”
I say even once every couple weeks things that happen are too much for him. Like I said there is a lot more she’s said and done, those are just a couple. My husband even admitted that he knows most of it is detrimental, he just thinks if we cut back how often he sleep there it’s no big deal. I don’t know!
It depends what sort of things she has been saying. Maybe she just speaks her mind
His ex is selfish, and truly doesn’t realize the damage she is doing to her child. She needs some psychiatric counseling, hon, and only she will ever get it.
No one has any way to correct this sort of thing… to bad mouth her to your step son lowers yourself to her level.
Sorry but you are married to a mommy boy he ain’t going to even try to change until he thinks he is losing you.
Can’t check your other questions. You’re on private.
For me it would really depend on what she was saying to him. He’s at an age where he is figuring out his grandmother has a different prospective than most, and it’s making him uncomfortable right now, but he may also get to the point of knowing her way of thinking is whacked out, but he loves her anyway and wants to spend the night.
All that being said, he hasn’t asked to spend the night or go over without you or your husband yet. He may never ask to go without one of you, so it would seem you are getting all upset over nothing at this point. You can’t always plan ahead. To me this is one of those times. He may be 10 when he asks to stay and by then you may feel more comfortable with it, or he may ask next week. If that happens, I would ask him what made him change his mind and go from there. Did she raise your husband? You seem to think he turned out OK. Without knowing what she does it’s hard to really answer.
She has a warped way of thinking, and he seems to understand that. My husband’s grandma told him and his sister unicorns were evil (they were 6 & 8). His sister collected them, she went home and broke all the horns off her unicorns. His grandma and grandpa both are, to put it mildly, excentric. I can’t stress how fanatically religeous they are. They say things all the time that we just let go in one ear and out the other (supposedly we’re all going to be dead in 11 years)
My point is even though they are excentric my husband still loves them and wants to spend time with them. They didn’t influence him negatively in any way. If anything it made him more tolerant of other people’s views. Once he understood most of what they said was based on half truths or no knowledge at all, what they said really didn’t matter anymore. It would seem your 8 year old is starting to realize grandma is in the shallow end of the common sense pool, but once he understands that everything she says won’t come true, he may actually enjoy some of her excentricities. I know my husband does. It doesn’t seem like she would harm your son on purpose. You just have to explain to him that his grandma says some off the wall things, but she loves him. Tell him if she ever says anything that bothers him to bring it up to you so you can help him understand where she is coming from. Then again he may decide she is a total nut job and not want to see her again. But like I said before, right now, he doesn’t want to go over without one of you, so I wouldn’t argue about it now. Wait until it comes up, if it comes up.
I sympathize with your dilema. Parents are not perfect but if she is doing harm to your stepson, she needs to know that it will not be tolerated and that she has to earn time with him.
I can understand that your husband wants to give his mother a chance but he must put his son’s needs and best interest first and foremost.
If you guys decide to allow your son to hang out with Grandma, let him know that he can talk to you about anything. I have learned that kids are natural tattle-tellers so, I am sure you will know how well she behaved.
Good luck.
well i didn’t read all the other post..but if you would have just said what she does and left out all the other stuff you type it would help…i mean all you have to say is this is how she is with the step son….this is what she does and say that would have been a lot shorter……and he is 8 he is no dummy he knows ppl..can lie and say mean things the can sort the truth of how things are. he is old enough to know what is good and what is bad. kids 4 and 5 can tell when a home is good or bad..the main thing is explaining things to him and more so how she and why she does the things she does…id say she must be sick in some way i don’t even know her…you don’t make kids go through adult things. you do that stuff between the adults…good luck
The only thing that matters is that you are the parent (step or not) and are therefore responsible for protecting the child, whether the child likes it or not. YOU make the decisions, not the child. Listen to your instincts.
Your husband has a blind spot on this issue since she is his mother. Keep working things out together, though, as this will prevent resentment later. Consider having mom checked out at the doctor, too. Could be mental problems.
I answered one of your questions before & I took your side. I still do. But it doesn’t sound like you or your husband are just suddenly going to see the other person’s side. I think it’s good that you’re monitoring his time with her already & if he decides later that he’s more comfortable around her & wants to stay the night you may just have to let him. You don’t want this to cause bigger issues in your marriage. What she’s doing is ridiculous for an adult but she’s not capable of damaging him that badly because you guys are there & are his primary caretakers. If he was with her every day it would be different. You might just need to see how it goes & if she says something stupid again you’ll need to reverse it.
Jeepers! Chill out. The kid said he didn’t want to go over there and spend time with her – Leave it at that and quit worrying about if he changes his mind, until he does, in fact, change his mind.