I am a relatively successful business owner and the family’s breadwinner. My wife never worked during the marriage. Some time in the past, she had a serious spending problem. After bailing her out multiple times from a massive credit card debt (over k in one case), I implemented a strong austerity doctrine. I made her close all her credit cards, put blocks on her credit files and cut access to all bank accounts.
Now she only has two re-loadable debit cards. I transfer a budgeted amount allocated to groceries, clothes and other household items on the 1st day of every month. This money she can only spend on these categories and the account can be monitored online. She also gets her allowance on the second card (0 every 2 weeks, was more in the past). This money is hers to blow on whatever she wants. She can check the balance on both cards at any time from an app on her iPhone. Once the money is depleted, any transaction is declined; there is no overdraft fee.
The monthly expense on these two budget categories is a small fraction of my income; I could easily double it without any fiscal adjustment. However, I’m a saver and I budget for everything. This arrangement has been in place since 2004 (less the iPhone) and is a source of contention between us.
Her position: I’m a controlling freak who doesn’t trust her and does not allow her to enjoy life. Instead, according to her, I stick millions up my a## to take with me to afterlife when I kick the bucket. Because of me, she has to watch every penny like a “third-class citizen”. She also has to endure “the looks” when she has to explain to her friends that she can’t go to some expensive spa because her husband is “a piece of dirt”. And the embarrassment of having a card declined at the end of every month. Life is unbearable and I’m the source of it all. My behavior amounts to an emotional spousal abuse. To relieve this misery I should allow her full control of one half of the “family” income and lift the blocks from her credit files. She promises to not repeat the past reckless spending behaviors.
My position: There is a budget and it’s only good if it is followed. The budget is the cornerstone of our financial stability and is generous enough to meet all needs comfortably. The limits for various spending categories can be discussed and adjusted when the annual budget is put together every December. I am willing to accommodate all reasonable requests, but will not tolerate turning cash into trash or any irrational demands. She has demonstrated lack of self-control in the past. I accept the responsibility of making sure the family does not end up in the poor house, but I can only guarantee it if things are done my way. If she wants to spend more, she should get a job. I currently have a live-in nanny who takes care of children, so she can go and work full time. If I see that the earned money is used responsibly, I may let her have some limited control of other finances. Until that happens, any changes will proceed only over my dead body.
This is where I’d like to hear some unbiased opinions. Keep in mind that since I’m the one who wrote the description, it might be inadvertently biased in my favor, although I tried to keep it neutral. So, which one of us is right?
In case you think of divorce as a possible solution, I am protected by a strong pre-nup and have numerous other advantages in that area. I’d leave that option as the last resort.
She’s a spoiled brat. End of story. Stick to your guns. Your way or the highway. Good on you.
I would have to agree with you. Although your money becomes her money and her money becomes your money once you become husband and wife, it does not mean your wife can go out and spend all of the money. When, and if, your wife gets a job is when she can have a say in where the money goes, since she can not be trusted with yours.
Seems pretty simple. If she wants to do more, spend more and have more fun, tell her to get a job. Make her own money and let her spend in on what she wants. Sound fair to me.
I read your post in its entirety, and I’m still struck by the fact that she does not work, but you have a live-in nanny. Why? Who in the world would want someone taking care of their kids when they have the luxury of raising them themselves? I don’t get that.
I think you are a control freak, but I can see that it serves your financial security well. However, I would suggest that you make the budget together with your wife so that she feels she is a part of your financial situation…and she SHOULD be. Dave Ramsey has a great CD program that will help her understand why you do what you do with the money, but it will also give you the insight you need to include her in on this very important marital matter that requires BOTH your input.
Good luck!
Okay, this sounds like to me she is very self-centered. You need to put your foot down, as the man of the house. If I told my husband the thing’s she says. I would be in serious trouble. I look to him for guidence and would hate if I was able to push him around. Do not let her push you around. Seem’s like you ave bailed her out of serious financial dispair and she should be very grateful. Instead she spits in your face. How disrespectful. One thing I am really concerned on is, why do you have a nanny ? She doesn’t work and you have a nanny ? I think that is insane and not fair to the kids at all. I think nanny’s are usless and personally, why not marry her ? At least she will cook and clean and take care of your kids. I may seem a bit harsh but I am old fashioned. I am an arab woman and feel like if the man provides the woman needs to take care of her home, kids, and man. Best of luck. I do not suggest a divorce. But I do think you need to sit her down and give her a reality cheak. Take away all allowences and see how she likes that !!!
sounds to me like you got the bull by the horns …80k in credit card debt a lot of guys woulda cut there losses if you ask me she should be happy she is still under your roof!
she is the spend aholic not you so suck it up ladie you got a sensable man that loves you
she needs to get off her ass and get a job
this been her lot since 2004? wow… talk about six years stiff penalties ? so when does the jail time end?
okay, you appear to be very reasonable, I have to say… even to the point of making the valid comment that she can go get a job if she wants to earn more money, over and above what you give her.
The only part I don’t like, is that you get to act Daddy-in-charge with her…. it’s disrespectful, although I completely understand why you don’t trust her after the 80k credit card fiasco… she definitely has a problem there… tell her to read the book ‘Mean Genes’ by Terry Burnham and Jay Phelan, it’ll give her understanding into her spending urges
good luck you guys… she’s done wrong, but you are unforgiving and untrusting, but frankly, without counseling why would she even think she would be any different? What work has she done to Understand her irrational spending sprees?
You both have to compromise somewhat — you a little, and her a lot. After all, as you said, she can go out and earn her own living
I was in a similar situation. The money you give her is more than enough to live a happy comfortable life. If she needs any more expensive items they should be a gift from you.
My wife was spending all the extra money on boy friends, handy men, repair men, and nothing got fixed! Except her.
Good luck. I doesn’t much matter what you do, her, her relatives, and her friends are going to make you out to be the villain.
Good luck.
Maybe you should tell her that you want a divorce,maybe that way she can think before she goes out to spent money in things she doesn’t need.get rid of the nanny and tell her to do her job as a mom,poor kids they should have a mommy not a nanny, Besides 400 every 2 weeks that’s a lot for me ,that what most poor people like me earn in a week and a half,that’s what happens when rich women have everything they want. If you were my husband I would be thankful for having someone to take care of me and give me everything I want.that would be a dream,but she takes everything for gfanted,she is not going to change until she sees that everything is gone.divorce and marry me
Well first of all it’s a shame that your wife is being treated like one of the children. That’s exactly how it comes off and I can understand her being upset.
On the other hand you have a legitimate gripe since she’s been irresponsible with money in the past. too irresponsible. Isn’t it time to give her a bit more cash to play with? Or if she wants to do something special you can give her the money to do it, such as going to the spa? It’s not like you can’t afford it. Personally I couldn’t tolerate a marriage where I wasn’t a full partner (I’ve been married 23 years) but I do understand where you are coming from.
She shouldn’t be given the entire checkbook or the credit cards, but something does need to give here. By treating her this way she’s not learning any lessons, just being treated like a naughty child. You seriously need to make an adjustment, what that should be needs to be worked out between the two of you. It’s time for a talk between the two of you and you need to really listen to her. You’ve got to treat her more like your wife instead of your child, along with that comes respect, which is lacking on your part. Have you thought of therapy, couples counseling? I think it would be a good idea.
“She promises to not repeat the past reckless spending behaviors.”
Doubtful. She has the, “live in the moment” mentality which is why, like so many Americans, she will re-enter debt. And if she wanted to split the income 50-50, she’d most likely blow her 50 and then ask for your 50 and when you say “No” because 1) It’s not fair; and 2) You’re not an enabler, she’ll whine that you don’t even spend your money so she should have it. (which is a dumb argument, but completely valid in her mind).
I understand budgeting is important, but maybe instead of waiting until December, consider readjusting her monthly budget to $100 more a month, so $500. In your eyes, that’s a 25% increase. See how she handles it. If she’s appreciative, then consider giving her more the next month. If she’s pissed of an ungrateful because it’s ONLY a hundred dollars (which is what she’ll most likely do) then it doesn’t matter HOW MUCH you give her, she will always complain. Honestly, even if you gave her ALL THE FAMILY’S INCOME it wouldn’t be enough. It’s just a simple matter of respect and appreciating money. If she can’t appreciate more spending money, then she doesn’t deserve it. You can tell her she’ll get $50 or $100 more a month the more she respects and appreciates the finances (you’ll have to determine what that means for you).
And I agree, if she wants to spend money she CAN get a job. She’s more than capable. She has the mentality of one of the rich, lazy and entitled housewives you see on tv. Very sad.
Remember, you managing the finances is important but if it works for you and not for her, something’s wrong. I doubt you can fully make her happy with how much money she gets because she’s not fully happy with herself. Hence the hyper-consumerism mindset. I recommend having budget meetings with her (keep them around 10 – 15 minutes, after that she’ll check out) and involving her more in the process. If she wants more play money, she has to prove she’s responsible enough to earn it.
Good luck AJ. Hope I helped.
Obviously she feels like a child, but this is WHO she already PROVED to be anyway!
There is an obvious contention coming from her side but that’s only because you have established strict BOUNDARIES! (which she does not like)
Perhaps up her “allowance” so she can START doing her own saving plan for things she wants to do and this will be the proof of her real intentions. I do like the part of her getting her own job though. FREE MONEY serves no purpose!
Well you say you have bailed her out several times in the past, not just once, and one of those times was for a huge amount of money…that shows that she did not learn at all from her past experiences, perhaps if she had learned that lesson the first time you helped her, you would be more willing to trust her to have more access to money…a big part of being a wife is to support your husband, not take advantage of him.
If you were acting the way you are without the history of her demonstrating she is not capable of financial responsibility on her own…I’d side with her. But with her history added in, I agree more with you. I can see though how you use money as a power source and that would be frustrating if I was a wife. A nanny isn’t the same thing as a mother. If you can afford to not have to have both parents working, it’s best the kids have time with a parent over a nanny.
I think the problem between the two of you is bigger than a financial matter. That’s a symptom of it, but there are clearly other things going on too.
1. i’m going to assume that the 1st card accomodates all the needs for the children incldg treats, outings/events/activities, toys, meals out w/ family/friends, school expenses incldg field trips & pocket money, etc.. also, i’m assuming that it accomodates everything else so that the 2nd card is never needed to supplement the 1st card’s budget. (the iphone should be included in the household budget)
2. since the cost of products & srvcs go up more than 1x a yr, i think u should’ve more than 1 budget allocation meeting per yr. there’s always going to be special events & expenses (especially relating to family & friends) that will require extra spending $ on a more frequent basis than just trying to figure it out once a yr for the whole following yr.
3. if u make less than 6 figures, then $800 would be enough, since u have to pay for the live-in nanny. if you make 6 figures a yr, i think u should increase her allowance to at least $1000-2000 – more if u make 7 figures. why? bec. if not, ur just continuing this miserable argument over $ concerns. is it really worth all the acrimony in trying to give her the least amt of $ as possible if you can comfortably afford to give more?
4. also, u should accommodate both cards’ budget amts according to how expensive the city u live in is along w/ what social/business circles u & ur wife are in.
5. any wages from any job she acquires should be spent by her in any which way she choses as long as the expenses are all under her name only & of no liability to u, & since u dont need her $ to live on. then in regards to her allowance, u can decrease it if u really need to divert that $ for expenses going to the care of the whole family.
6. for 6 yrs, your wife refers to u as a “piece of dirt” to her friends bec. of all the fights over spending $? what? for all the money u’ve saved in this budgeting war, has any of it gone to marriage counseling for the both of u? again, was it really worth all this acrimony?
7. u say that the 2 budgets are only a small fraction of ur income & that you can double it easily w/o any “financial adjustment.” so… why not do it? again, was this budget war really worth it to u? it sounds odd that u’ve wanted to stick to this uncomfortable situation between u 2… both of u are right – u’ve felt u needed to implement a budget bec. u’ve felt she grossly overspent, & she’s felt that the new budget (which was created entirely by u) was part of a punishment & control program u’ve arbitarily installed against her when u could’ve easily given her a bit more so that there wouldnt have been so much acrimony between u 2.
8. i think both of u need to give in enough to meet each other in the middle. i think u both should’ve found a happy middle ground so that both of u could feel relaxed & comfortable in this marriage. after all, a marriage is about partnership & teamwork, isnt it? it’s a relationship between 2 people who respect each other as grown adults & thereby can compromise & mutually decide upon how to make both of u as near-equally happy as u 2 can be.
9. u say she hasnt worked during the marriage. that sounds to me as if it was part & parcel of an agreement, whether spoken or not, that that’s how ur relationship would be, u as the breadwinner – she, as a housewife. for u to change that arbitarily by demanding she now work when u know u can easily afford to let her go on in her position sounds yet again, one-sided. although i can see why u needed to implement a budget, i think the decision for her to work outside the home should be arrived at mutually.
If you are feeling generous, increase her allowance. If not, then let her gripe.
I understand why she feels that you are a control freak and that you do not trust her. She brought your behavior on with her own poor choices. Obviously, she has not learned from past mistakes if she is embarrassed because her card is declined at the end of “every month”. If she was watching what she spent she would know she was out of money and she could save herself the embarrassment of trying to buy something with nothing.
Your wife needs to do something productive with herself. She should either take care of the house and kids or get a job. This way she she won’t have so much time on her hands to whine.